Numbers

So today I popped over to the Gap on my lunch because tomorrow I'm meeting with our CIO and a director who reports to him, along with my boss, to discuss my team and our process flow.  This weight loss has me challenged for clothes that fit, not that I'm complaining, so I needed to get some pants that weren't two sizes too big.  I grabbed 8s because that is what I've been wearing and haven't lost weight since I got into those, but to my surprise (and slight irritation) they were too big.  So I grabbed 6s, and slid into them.  Pant after pant.  A size 6.

I felt - indifferent.  As I initially lost weight I was excited going down size after size, and I am still thrilled to be at a weight and in a size that is both healthy and attractive, but as far as its ranking on my list of most-important-things, it isn't even in the top 10.  Quite frankly, other than the health benefits, who cares?  Now of course at a size 20 if you told me I'd have this opinion of weight loss and size reduction I'd say you're lying, because being 150-ish and in a size 6 was a dream I never thought I'd achieve back then.  

Not that I have ever been wealthy or on the cover of SI, but I've touched on money in my life, an attractive appearance, and those things in and of themselves do not hold happiness.  Nor does being married, having children or professional success.  There is one thing that brings me true happiness, and that is my relationship with God.  Laugh, mock it, whatever your reaction is, but it's true.  I heard a country song once that said how people don't like to hear that God is the answer.  Like, the answer to anything.  Everything.  Ask a question, and God is the answer.  I may sound insensitive saying that my marriage and children in and of themselves don't hold happiness, but that isn't to say they don't facilitate happiness.  I derive an insurmountable amount of love and happiness from my family, specifically Bill and Ava.  I believe that I would not be capable of giving and receiving happiness if I weren't first anchored in God and his Son.

What's great about this revelation is it lessens the world's impact and influence on me.  I feel less inclined to compete with those around me.  It allows me to enjoy vs. endure life.  I DO NOT have this down pat.  I still get lost in the fog.  I still allow myself to see the mirage some days, but even knowing where the key to true, actual happiness lies is enough for me.