Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Numbers
So today I popped over to the Gap on my lunch because tomorrow I'm meeting with our CIO and a director who reports to him, along with my boss, to discuss my team and our process flow. This weight loss has me challenged for clothes that fit, not that I'm complaining, so I needed to get some pants that weren't two sizes too big. I grabbed 8s because that is what I've been wearing and haven't lost weight since I got into those, but to my surprise (and slight irritation) they were too big. So I grabbed 6s, and slid into them. Pant after pant. A size 6.
I felt - indifferent. As I initially lost weight I was excited going down size after size, and I am still thrilled to be at a weight and in a size that is both healthy and attractive, but as far as its ranking on my list of most-important-things, it isn't even in the top 10. Quite frankly, other than the health benefits, who cares? Now of course at a size 20 if you told me I'd have this opinion of weight loss and size reduction I'd say you're lying, because being 150-ish and in a size 6 was a dream I never thought I'd achieve back then.
Not that I have ever been wealthy or on the cover of SI, but I've touched on money in my life, an attractive appearance, and those things in and of themselves do not hold happiness. Nor does being married, having children or professional success. There is one thing that brings me true happiness, and that is my relationship with God. Laugh, mock it, whatever your reaction is, but it's true. I heard a country song once that said how people don't like to hear that God is the answer. Like, the answer to anything. Everything. Ask a question, and God is the answer. I may sound insensitive saying that my marriage and children in and of themselves don't hold happiness, but that isn't to say they don't facilitate happiness. I derive an insurmountable amount of love and happiness from my family, specifically Bill and Ava. I believe that I would not be capable of giving and receiving happiness if I weren't first anchored in God and his Son.
What's great about this revelation is it lessens the world's impact and influence on me. I feel less inclined to compete with those around me. It allows me to enjoy vs. endure life. I DO NOT have this down pat. I still get lost in the fog. I still allow myself to see the mirage some days, but even knowing where the key to true, actual happiness lies is enough for me.
I felt - indifferent. As I initially lost weight I was excited going down size after size, and I am still thrilled to be at a weight and in a size that is both healthy and attractive, but as far as its ranking on my list of most-important-things, it isn't even in the top 10. Quite frankly, other than the health benefits, who cares? Now of course at a size 20 if you told me I'd have this opinion of weight loss and size reduction I'd say you're lying, because being 150-ish and in a size 6 was a dream I never thought I'd achieve back then.
Not that I have ever been wealthy or on the cover of SI, but I've touched on money in my life, an attractive appearance, and those things in and of themselves do not hold happiness. Nor does being married, having children or professional success. There is one thing that brings me true happiness, and that is my relationship with God. Laugh, mock it, whatever your reaction is, but it's true. I heard a country song once that said how people don't like to hear that God is the answer. Like, the answer to anything. Everything. Ask a question, and God is the answer. I may sound insensitive saying that my marriage and children in and of themselves don't hold happiness, but that isn't to say they don't facilitate happiness. I derive an insurmountable amount of love and happiness from my family, specifically Bill and Ava. I believe that I would not be capable of giving and receiving happiness if I weren't first anchored in God and his Son.
What's great about this revelation is it lessens the world's impact and influence on me. I feel less inclined to compete with those around me. It allows me to enjoy vs. endure life. I DO NOT have this down pat. I still get lost in the fog. I still allow myself to see the mirage some days, but even knowing where the key to true, actual happiness lies is enough for me.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Where I'm Supposed To Be
There's a lot I appreciate about fellow church members, such as the fellowship they offer outside of official church or church activities. Last night Ava and I went to dinner at the Schott's, a family we'd only ever saw and briefly spoken to at church. They had invited several other families, also people we didn't know very well, but it made no difference. Ava was immediately swooped up by the older children, I was immediately in thoughtful and fun conversation with the adults. Two and a half hours passed in a blink, and by 7:30 I wished we didn't have to go home. As I sat eating the delicious smoked pork that Brother Schott had been smoking since midnight the night before, I had nothing on my mind other than the company and conversation in the room.
Eventually the women and men separated, as they naturally seem to do, and we all sat around the kitchen table talking about kids and pregnancy as two of the women were pregnant. As we sat talking a thought apart from the conversation entered my mind, and it was the thought of "this is where you belong." And I don't mean specifically at the Schott home, though it was so warm and beautifully decorated (I wished my home looked like hers) that I would've almost liked to move in, but with other Saints. When I am around these families the mothers are suddenly universal mothers - no matter the child, if they're the one able to render assistance, care or love then they do. For example, Ava sneezed and one of the kids immediately pointed out that she needed a tissue. Before I could even position myself to get up from the deeply reclined chair on their back porch another mother who was closer to Ava went over, knelt down, and wiped her nose. I'm alone on evening outings most the time because Bill works second shift, so to have other adults there to help without me having to ask is so valuable and cherished by me.
Another thing I enjoy about being around other Saints is if the Spirit speaks to me, I feel safe to listen. And not only do I feel safe to hear the Spirit, but when I'm in a good environment the Spirit is more likely to whisper to me, too. That's why I had the thought come into my mind that the Schott home that evening, with those Saints, was where I was supposed to be. It was such an uplifting environment. My daughter was around other kids raised with the same values so I'm less likely to have to worry about any of them suggesting ill speech or action. Notice I say "less likely," Saints are Saints, sure, but we're also human. Heaven knows the phases I went through, and all the mistakes I still make today. The adults bring out the better traits in me, which I of course love. I hope that the more I'm in environments there my better traits are allowed to shine the more they'll shrink out the less desirable traits I posses.
Eventually the women and men separated, as they naturally seem to do, and we all sat around the kitchen table talking about kids and pregnancy as two of the women were pregnant. As we sat talking a thought apart from the conversation entered my mind, and it was the thought of "this is where you belong." And I don't mean specifically at the Schott home, though it was so warm and beautifully decorated (I wished my home looked like hers) that I would've almost liked to move in, but with other Saints. When I am around these families the mothers are suddenly universal mothers - no matter the child, if they're the one able to render assistance, care or love then they do. For example, Ava sneezed and one of the kids immediately pointed out that she needed a tissue. Before I could even position myself to get up from the deeply reclined chair on their back porch another mother who was closer to Ava went over, knelt down, and wiped her nose. I'm alone on evening outings most the time because Bill works second shift, so to have other adults there to help without me having to ask is so valuable and cherished by me.
Another thing I enjoy about being around other Saints is if the Spirit speaks to me, I feel safe to listen. And not only do I feel safe to hear the Spirit, but when I'm in a good environment the Spirit is more likely to whisper to me, too. That's why I had the thought come into my mind that the Schott home that evening, with those Saints, was where I was supposed to be. It was such an uplifting environment. My daughter was around other kids raised with the same values so I'm less likely to have to worry about any of them suggesting ill speech or action. Notice I say "less likely," Saints are Saints, sure, but we're also human. Heaven knows the phases I went through, and all the mistakes I still make today. The adults bring out the better traits in me, which I of course love. I hope that the more I'm in environments there my better traits are allowed to shine the more they'll shrink out the less desirable traits I posses.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself; I am large -- I contain multitudes.”
― Walt Whitman
I've heard this quote before, but forgot about it until I found it online today. Walt, you nailed it. When I was younger I had no inkling that as an adult, as you branch out into life, that each limb pulls at the trunk. Of course in this metaphor the trunk is my person and the limbs are that of mother, wife, daughter, employee, pet owner, self-desire, wants, needs - the list is endless. In our front yard we have an enormous tree that I love to watch when the wind blows. Left. Right. Front. Back. Sway here, sway there. The trunk doesn't move of course, it's rooted firmly in the ground. No matter which direction it gets pulled or pushed, it's still a tree. Whether it goes right one moment and left the next doesn't mean it's confused about being a tree. It's just - a tree. And I am just me. I may get wild on a girl's night (unfortunately not anytime even remotely recently) one night, and read the "mama cat" book as Ava calls it three times in a row the next night. Does that mean I'm confused about who I am? No. I have a plethora of roles I play, and they are all me. What confuses me is when I'm asked "well are you X or are you Y?" or "Do you want this or do you want that?" The answer is I am X and Y, and I want it all.
― Walt Whitman
I've heard this quote before, but forgot about it until I found it online today. Walt, you nailed it. When I was younger I had no inkling that as an adult, as you branch out into life, that each limb pulls at the trunk. Of course in this metaphor the trunk is my person and the limbs are that of mother, wife, daughter, employee, pet owner, self-desire, wants, needs - the list is endless. In our front yard we have an enormous tree that I love to watch when the wind blows. Left. Right. Front. Back. Sway here, sway there. The trunk doesn't move of course, it's rooted firmly in the ground. No matter which direction it gets pulled or pushed, it's still a tree. Whether it goes right one moment and left the next doesn't mean it's confused about being a tree. It's just - a tree. And I am just me. I may get wild on a girl's night (unfortunately not anytime even remotely recently) one night, and read the "mama cat" book as Ava calls it three times in a row the next night. Does that mean I'm confused about who I am? No. I have a plethora of roles I play, and they are all me. What confuses me is when I'm asked "well are you X or are you Y?" or "Do you want this or do you want that?" The answer is I am X and Y, and I want it all.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Ava's 2!
I am so tired from today, but in a most excellent way. Our baby girl is 2-years-old! While today is her actual birthday, we've been celebrating all weekend. A lot of things had me reconsider a "friend" party, so we went with family only and boy was it awesome, truly. Saturday we went to Elise & Ralph's where we celebrated with a yummy ice cream cake and pizza. Cousins each gave Ava a gift, something of theirs that was special to them, so it was a really big deal kid-to-kid. Elise's kids still think of Ava as a "baby," so they want to take turns holding her. It's cute, but Ava sometimes gets fed up with it and finally yells "no! down!"
Sunday Grandma and Grandpa Humphrey came to church with us, then over to the house after where we had spaghetti dinner and a homemade cake courtesy of mommy. I'm not a baker, but it was yummy regardless. Thanks Betty Crocker! That night, after much play and sugar, sweet Ava girl passed out in our bed during story time. I was especially excited for her actual birthday because I'd taken the day off of work to be with her. It was so fun! In the morning Bill & I took her to breakfast, then home for a nap, then off to meet Elise and the twins for a birthday pedicure. Being the only boy, Zavier was content to play games on Elise's phone, but Azure got her nails painted with sparkles, Elise and I enjoyed our pedicures and Ava got her toe nails painted pink with sparkles on top. I can't believe how still she sat for it! Afterward we visited Bill at work, where she showed off her toes some more, then we headed home.
After dinner we took cupcakes to a family in our ward and while we were out we got a call from our next door neighbor letting us know to come over when we got back. Our neighbors had a card for her with a gift card to Toys R Us inside. So generous! Finally the day had drawn to an end, so we read stories and had our usual mommy-daughter cuddle time. Lying with her during cuddle time I felt little fingers crawling up my arm. I asked "Ava, is that a spider?" She giggled with delight and said "Yes!" Such a silly girl. She won't know until she has her own kids, just as I didn't get it until I was a mother, but celebrating her is in fact a gift to me. I have just watched her smile, laugh, focus, sleep, etc. these past few days and I revel in her happiness, delight, curiosity and excitement.
Happy birthday, Ava xoxo
Sunday Grandma and Grandpa Humphrey came to church with us, then over to the house after where we had spaghetti dinner and a homemade cake courtesy of mommy. I'm not a baker, but it was yummy regardless. Thanks Betty Crocker! That night, after much play and sugar, sweet Ava girl passed out in our bed during story time. I was especially excited for her actual birthday because I'd taken the day off of work to be with her. It was so fun! In the morning Bill & I took her to breakfast, then home for a nap, then off to meet Elise and the twins for a birthday pedicure. Being the only boy, Zavier was content to play games on Elise's phone, but Azure got her nails painted with sparkles, Elise and I enjoyed our pedicures and Ava got her toe nails painted pink with sparkles on top. I can't believe how still she sat for it! Afterward we visited Bill at work, where she showed off her toes some more, then we headed home.
After dinner we took cupcakes to a family in our ward and while we were out we got a call from our next door neighbor letting us know to come over when we got back. Our neighbors had a card for her with a gift card to Toys R Us inside. So generous! Finally the day had drawn to an end, so we read stories and had our usual mommy-daughter cuddle time. Lying with her during cuddle time I felt little fingers crawling up my arm. I asked "Ava, is that a spider?" She giggled with delight and said "Yes!" Such a silly girl. She won't know until she has her own kids, just as I didn't get it until I was a mother, but celebrating her is in fact a gift to me. I have just watched her smile, laugh, focus, sleep, etc. these past few days and I revel in her happiness, delight, curiosity and excitement.
Happy birthday, Ava xoxo
Thursday, March 1, 2012
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