Thursday, May 31, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Not Going as Planned...
So my idea was I'd focus more on blogging, less on Facebook. It was a good plan too, except I run into the issue of lack of time, energy or a combination of both. I want to write. As I drive to / from work ideas flood my mind of things to write about, but by the time I find the opportunity to write I can't keep my eyes open long enough to get the first two sentences out. Creativity has officially met parenthood, and parenthood is winning.
Ava loves when I gently lift up her hair and blow on the back of her neck. She was being ornery the other evening during story time so I lifted her hair and began blowing a cool gentle breeze on her warm neck. I focused in on the red stork bite she still has on the nape of her neck, and instantly remembered asking the nurses in the hospital right after I'd had her if that would fade. They guaranteed me it would. So far it has not. My query was more out of curiosity than anything else. Thinking of that moment in time, having my new baby girl, so curious about this brand new life and all her markings, I became overwhelmed and began to cry. Ava turned around and said "it's okay, mom." That dichotomy still gets me; I get lost in my mind over a moment of when she was a newborn only to have the moment flash forward to the reality that she's 2 and is consoling me now when I cry. She's more precious than anything on this earth.
Of course not all moments are Hallmark perfect. Did I mention she's ornery? She's crafty, too. So much so she scares us. We've converted her crib to a toddler bed because despite our attempts to counteract it, she's been crawling out, opening her door and finding us in the house. She's so proud of herself when she succeeds, too. She'll come walking out laughing and say "hi mommy!" She's a total girl, too, and not because of anything we're doing. She's into being a princess. Where'd she get that from? I don't say anything about princesses, and neither does Bill. Yesterday as I put away her laundry she insisted getting into the most frilly dress she saw, matching shoes, and said it was "so pretty," and "I'm a princess!" Yes baby, you are. Not in the way this world will try to condition you to believe though, but in the way your Father in Heaven sees you. You are His princess. I will fight tooth-and-nail against the definition of princess this world has. Entitled, selfish, self-serving. Ava is also into clothes in general. For example, we passed some clothes in a store the other day and she stopped to stroke the item and said to me "oh my gosh, it's so pretty!" What she doesn't know is I'm a sucker, and if she labored on loving it for too long I'd end up buy it for her. Heaven help me - seriously.
So why can I write now? My mom graciously picked Ava up yesterday around noon and kept her overnight. I didn't get near as much done around the house as I wanted, but the reprieve from being a mother for 15 or so hours was an intangible and invaluable gift. Thanks, mom. I feel rested, rejuvenated, and even got to enjoy a date night with Bill last night. I got to spend an evening with my husband that wasn't rushed or timed. It actually felt a little bit like we were dating again. I am blessed that I am in a happy marriage filled with mutual love and appreciation. Ava is blessed that her parents love each other. We are all together blessed for having God in our life who gives us all these things. Life will continue to net us ups and downs, blessings and opportunities to grow. I want to be worthy of all of them. I hope the next blessing we become worthy of is our second child. In His time, right?
Ava loves when I gently lift up her hair and blow on the back of her neck. She was being ornery the other evening during story time so I lifted her hair and began blowing a cool gentle breeze on her warm neck. I focused in on the red stork bite she still has on the nape of her neck, and instantly remembered asking the nurses in the hospital right after I'd had her if that would fade. They guaranteed me it would. So far it has not. My query was more out of curiosity than anything else. Thinking of that moment in time, having my new baby girl, so curious about this brand new life and all her markings, I became overwhelmed and began to cry. Ava turned around and said "it's okay, mom." That dichotomy still gets me; I get lost in my mind over a moment of when she was a newborn only to have the moment flash forward to the reality that she's 2 and is consoling me now when I cry. She's more precious than anything on this earth.
Of course not all moments are Hallmark perfect. Did I mention she's ornery? She's crafty, too. So much so she scares us. We've converted her crib to a toddler bed because despite our attempts to counteract it, she's been crawling out, opening her door and finding us in the house. She's so proud of herself when she succeeds, too. She'll come walking out laughing and say "hi mommy!" She's a total girl, too, and not because of anything we're doing. She's into being a princess. Where'd she get that from? I don't say anything about princesses, and neither does Bill. Yesterday as I put away her laundry she insisted getting into the most frilly dress she saw, matching shoes, and said it was "so pretty," and "I'm a princess!" Yes baby, you are. Not in the way this world will try to condition you to believe though, but in the way your Father in Heaven sees you. You are His princess. I will fight tooth-and-nail against the definition of princess this world has. Entitled, selfish, self-serving. Ava is also into clothes in general. For example, we passed some clothes in a store the other day and she stopped to stroke the item and said to me "oh my gosh, it's so pretty!" What she doesn't know is I'm a sucker, and if she labored on loving it for too long I'd end up buy it for her. Heaven help me - seriously.
So why can I write now? My mom graciously picked Ava up yesterday around noon and kept her overnight. I didn't get near as much done around the house as I wanted, but the reprieve from being a mother for 15 or so hours was an intangible and invaluable gift. Thanks, mom. I feel rested, rejuvenated, and even got to enjoy a date night with Bill last night. I got to spend an evening with my husband that wasn't rushed or timed. It actually felt a little bit like we were dating again. I am blessed that I am in a happy marriage filled with mutual love and appreciation. Ava is blessed that her parents love each other. We are all together blessed for having God in our life who gives us all these things. Life will continue to net us ups and downs, blessings and opportunities to grow. I want to be worthy of all of them. I hope the next blessing we become worthy of is our second child. In His time, right?
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Numbers
So today I popped over to the Gap on my lunch because tomorrow I'm meeting with our CIO and a director who reports to him, along with my boss, to discuss my team and our process flow. This weight loss has me challenged for clothes that fit, not that I'm complaining, so I needed to get some pants that weren't two sizes too big. I grabbed 8s because that is what I've been wearing and haven't lost weight since I got into those, but to my surprise (and slight irritation) they were too big. So I grabbed 6s, and slid into them. Pant after pant. A size 6.
I felt - indifferent. As I initially lost weight I was excited going down size after size, and I am still thrilled to be at a weight and in a size that is both healthy and attractive, but as far as its ranking on my list of most-important-things, it isn't even in the top 10. Quite frankly, other than the health benefits, who cares? Now of course at a size 20 if you told me I'd have this opinion of weight loss and size reduction I'd say you're lying, because being 150-ish and in a size 6 was a dream I never thought I'd achieve back then.
Not that I have ever been wealthy or on the cover of SI, but I've touched on money in my life, an attractive appearance, and those things in and of themselves do not hold happiness. Nor does being married, having children or professional success. There is one thing that brings me true happiness, and that is my relationship with God. Laugh, mock it, whatever your reaction is, but it's true. I heard a country song once that said how people don't like to hear that God is the answer. Like, the answer to anything. Everything. Ask a question, and God is the answer. I may sound insensitive saying that my marriage and children in and of themselves don't hold happiness, but that isn't to say they don't facilitate happiness. I derive an insurmountable amount of love and happiness from my family, specifically Bill and Ava. I believe that I would not be capable of giving and receiving happiness if I weren't first anchored in God and his Son.
What's great about this revelation is it lessens the world's impact and influence on me. I feel less inclined to compete with those around me. It allows me to enjoy vs. endure life. I DO NOT have this down pat. I still get lost in the fog. I still allow myself to see the mirage some days, but even knowing where the key to true, actual happiness lies is enough for me.
I felt - indifferent. As I initially lost weight I was excited going down size after size, and I am still thrilled to be at a weight and in a size that is both healthy and attractive, but as far as its ranking on my list of most-important-things, it isn't even in the top 10. Quite frankly, other than the health benefits, who cares? Now of course at a size 20 if you told me I'd have this opinion of weight loss and size reduction I'd say you're lying, because being 150-ish and in a size 6 was a dream I never thought I'd achieve back then.
Not that I have ever been wealthy or on the cover of SI, but I've touched on money in my life, an attractive appearance, and those things in and of themselves do not hold happiness. Nor does being married, having children or professional success. There is one thing that brings me true happiness, and that is my relationship with God. Laugh, mock it, whatever your reaction is, but it's true. I heard a country song once that said how people don't like to hear that God is the answer. Like, the answer to anything. Everything. Ask a question, and God is the answer. I may sound insensitive saying that my marriage and children in and of themselves don't hold happiness, but that isn't to say they don't facilitate happiness. I derive an insurmountable amount of love and happiness from my family, specifically Bill and Ava. I believe that I would not be capable of giving and receiving happiness if I weren't first anchored in God and his Son.
What's great about this revelation is it lessens the world's impact and influence on me. I feel less inclined to compete with those around me. It allows me to enjoy vs. endure life. I DO NOT have this down pat. I still get lost in the fog. I still allow myself to see the mirage some days, but even knowing where the key to true, actual happiness lies is enough for me.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Where I'm Supposed To Be
There's a lot I appreciate about fellow church members, such as the fellowship they offer outside of official church or church activities. Last night Ava and I went to dinner at the Schott's, a family we'd only ever saw and briefly spoken to at church. They had invited several other families, also people we didn't know very well, but it made no difference. Ava was immediately swooped up by the older children, I was immediately in thoughtful and fun conversation with the adults. Two and a half hours passed in a blink, and by 7:30 I wished we didn't have to go home. As I sat eating the delicious smoked pork that Brother Schott had been smoking since midnight the night before, I had nothing on my mind other than the company and conversation in the room.
Eventually the women and men separated, as they naturally seem to do, and we all sat around the kitchen table talking about kids and pregnancy as two of the women were pregnant. As we sat talking a thought apart from the conversation entered my mind, and it was the thought of "this is where you belong." And I don't mean specifically at the Schott home, though it was so warm and beautifully decorated (I wished my home looked like hers) that I would've almost liked to move in, but with other Saints. When I am around these families the mothers are suddenly universal mothers - no matter the child, if they're the one able to render assistance, care or love then they do. For example, Ava sneezed and one of the kids immediately pointed out that she needed a tissue. Before I could even position myself to get up from the deeply reclined chair on their back porch another mother who was closer to Ava went over, knelt down, and wiped her nose. I'm alone on evening outings most the time because Bill works second shift, so to have other adults there to help without me having to ask is so valuable and cherished by me.
Another thing I enjoy about being around other Saints is if the Spirit speaks to me, I feel safe to listen. And not only do I feel safe to hear the Spirit, but when I'm in a good environment the Spirit is more likely to whisper to me, too. That's why I had the thought come into my mind that the Schott home that evening, with those Saints, was where I was supposed to be. It was such an uplifting environment. My daughter was around other kids raised with the same values so I'm less likely to have to worry about any of them suggesting ill speech or action. Notice I say "less likely," Saints are Saints, sure, but we're also human. Heaven knows the phases I went through, and all the mistakes I still make today. The adults bring out the better traits in me, which I of course love. I hope that the more I'm in environments there my better traits are allowed to shine the more they'll shrink out the less desirable traits I posses.
Eventually the women and men separated, as they naturally seem to do, and we all sat around the kitchen table talking about kids and pregnancy as two of the women were pregnant. As we sat talking a thought apart from the conversation entered my mind, and it was the thought of "this is where you belong." And I don't mean specifically at the Schott home, though it was so warm and beautifully decorated (I wished my home looked like hers) that I would've almost liked to move in, but with other Saints. When I am around these families the mothers are suddenly universal mothers - no matter the child, if they're the one able to render assistance, care or love then they do. For example, Ava sneezed and one of the kids immediately pointed out that she needed a tissue. Before I could even position myself to get up from the deeply reclined chair on their back porch another mother who was closer to Ava went over, knelt down, and wiped her nose. I'm alone on evening outings most the time because Bill works second shift, so to have other adults there to help without me having to ask is so valuable and cherished by me.
Another thing I enjoy about being around other Saints is if the Spirit speaks to me, I feel safe to listen. And not only do I feel safe to hear the Spirit, but when I'm in a good environment the Spirit is more likely to whisper to me, too. That's why I had the thought come into my mind that the Schott home that evening, with those Saints, was where I was supposed to be. It was such an uplifting environment. My daughter was around other kids raised with the same values so I'm less likely to have to worry about any of them suggesting ill speech or action. Notice I say "less likely," Saints are Saints, sure, but we're also human. Heaven knows the phases I went through, and all the mistakes I still make today. The adults bring out the better traits in me, which I of course love. I hope that the more I'm in environments there my better traits are allowed to shine the more they'll shrink out the less desirable traits I posses.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself; I am large -- I contain multitudes.”
― Walt Whitman
I've heard this quote before, but forgot about it until I found it online today. Walt, you nailed it. When I was younger I had no inkling that as an adult, as you branch out into life, that each limb pulls at the trunk. Of course in this metaphor the trunk is my person and the limbs are that of mother, wife, daughter, employee, pet owner, self-desire, wants, needs - the list is endless. In our front yard we have an enormous tree that I love to watch when the wind blows. Left. Right. Front. Back. Sway here, sway there. The trunk doesn't move of course, it's rooted firmly in the ground. No matter which direction it gets pulled or pushed, it's still a tree. Whether it goes right one moment and left the next doesn't mean it's confused about being a tree. It's just - a tree. And I am just me. I may get wild on a girl's night (unfortunately not anytime even remotely recently) one night, and read the "mama cat" book as Ava calls it three times in a row the next night. Does that mean I'm confused about who I am? No. I have a plethora of roles I play, and they are all me. What confuses me is when I'm asked "well are you X or are you Y?" or "Do you want this or do you want that?" The answer is I am X and Y, and I want it all.
― Walt Whitman
I've heard this quote before, but forgot about it until I found it online today. Walt, you nailed it. When I was younger I had no inkling that as an adult, as you branch out into life, that each limb pulls at the trunk. Of course in this metaphor the trunk is my person and the limbs are that of mother, wife, daughter, employee, pet owner, self-desire, wants, needs - the list is endless. In our front yard we have an enormous tree that I love to watch when the wind blows. Left. Right. Front. Back. Sway here, sway there. The trunk doesn't move of course, it's rooted firmly in the ground. No matter which direction it gets pulled or pushed, it's still a tree. Whether it goes right one moment and left the next doesn't mean it's confused about being a tree. It's just - a tree. And I am just me. I may get wild on a girl's night (unfortunately not anytime even remotely recently) one night, and read the "mama cat" book as Ava calls it three times in a row the next night. Does that mean I'm confused about who I am? No. I have a plethora of roles I play, and they are all me. What confuses me is when I'm asked "well are you X or are you Y?" or "Do you want this or do you want that?" The answer is I am X and Y, and I want it all.
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