I suppose many of us could look at our lives and think of one persistent thing that has plagued us for years, or perhaps even our whole life.  The decision then is whether you allow the unhappiness of it to fester, or accept it for what it is and move forward.  I am trying to choose the latter.

As a lot of people know, Bill was injured in Baghdad in 2005.  Not to over-simplify, but while in convoy an Iraqi water truck t-boned their humvee knocking it out of line by approximately 8 feet and briefly knocking the occupants unconscious.  They came to, discovered their vehicle was still working, and hustled back to base.  That is the moment that has stayed with us to this point, and been with us our entire life as a couple.

The accident happened right at the beginning of an 18 month deployment.  They were checked out, released back to duty, but Bill didn't say anything about the injuries that were plaguing him.  Numbness, headaches, insomnia...  Eventually he was medi-vacced to Germany then back to the states where he waited in the Wounded Warrior program until his unit returned.

Fast forward to 2009 and we're back in WA with Bill doing the OWT program at JBLM.  It's supposed to be a 1 year gig with a 1 year extension.  At approximately 6 months into it, they informed him they wouldn't allow him a 2nd year.  Medical issues from the 2005 accident were becoming aggravated as a result of the daily PT, and they didn't want any broken Soldiers in their command, so they cut him.  That's when we started the process for the medical review board (MEB).  

Most recently, as he's traveled to San Antonio for the MEB, talked more with the DAV and has finally after years and years worked his way closer to the tail end of the board, we've finally faced the reality that I don't think either of us wanted to recognize or admit.  Bill's injuries, such as degenerative disc disorder, traumatic brain injury (from having his head knocked around inside that humvee like a coconut) along with other major issues says one thing: disabled veteran.  So much so that the likelihood of him every returning to law enforcement is slim.  It's actually probably none, but I say slim to ease that pain.  He'll never do firefighting again, and lastly, he'll never be a Soldier again.  The Army has said his back does not make him fit for service.  

So we wait.  We wait for a disability rating of 30% or higher because if it's below 30% he won't be medically retired.  After 17+ years of service, if he got a rating of less than 30%, he'd just be put out.  I cannot explain the depth of our emotions over all of this.  Bill feels as though he's a burden to me and the family.  I'm fearful of having a disabled husband and what that will demand of me.  I am exhausted by this process, and it is again confirmed to me that I HATE the Army.  

Bill isn't the first Soldier I knew.  My dad was.  My dad was also the first disabled veteran I ever knew.  In fact, my association with the military started at birth, and was never positive.  Always associated with a time of war, I have a Vietnam veteran for a father, and an Iraqi veteran for a husband.  For a brief time between ages 16 - 19 military guys were fun.  Go to work,come home, look cute in a uniform.  I'd trained myself to forget about my dad, the abuse, his horrendous PTSD, and focused on the young, hot guys at different Army and Marine bases.  Then 9/11 happened.  It wasn't so fun and carefree anymore.  People were deploying.  I met Bill, and two months later he was gone.  Then shortly after that he was in his accident in Baghdad.  

Seven years later, I find us nearing the end of a long tunnel, waiting to hear our fate.  What will his rating be?  If it's too high, will they label him as unable to work in the civilian work force?  Will they rob him like they've done these past years and give him less than 30%, then we'll have to deal with all that entails?  I don't know.  This fight has made us both weary.  That said, I don't pray for its quick execution if it isn't done correctly.  I will accept what comes to us only if the findings are accurate and fair.  Otherwise, somehow, I will muster more fight. 

Laughable

I've fought myself these last several days, debating whether or not to say anything, but the writer in me demands I just come out with it already.  I recently discovered a former friend of mine got married.  Under normal circumstances it's no biggie; however, this person has apparently managed to meet, date, become engaged and eventually married to a guy within approximately 5 months' time.  Fast much?  And while I understand my criticism and judgement only affects me, I think given the years we did spend as friends gives me a certain amount of rights to share my thoughts on it.  Even if no one else reads this but me.

First, I think of the company she now keeps.  The company she replaced me with.  Company that she once shared she was jealous of specifically and jealous of the general friendship.  Company that she utterly hated and judged for many years, only to become the superficial definition of BFFs and giving each other pet names.  Company who's on her third marriage herself, albeit only one of them genuine, the other two contractual and purely for the sake of receiving benefits reserved for the wife of a service member.  Be careful the company you keep.

How'd I find out?  Well, it wasn't by snooping.  It was out of doing a favor for my mother that I unearthed this gem of knowledge.  I wonder, when her second marriage ends in divorce, if she'll point all fingers to the ex-husband again.  If she'll point to the fact that no one knew her pain, that he really wasn't that great of a guy, that, that, that...  I'm exhausted by females who play up the soul mate factor to justify hasty and idiotic decisions only to tear that wall down later to expose the real truth.  That they were never happy.  That no one knew their plight as his wife.  Gag me.  I feel more sorry for the male who was married to a fake individual from the get-go.

I also marvel at the fact that mere months ago she was broke, living at home, in debt, sometimes barely able to put gas in her vehicle, to hosting a wedding and vacationing in wine country.  Makes me wonder if haste wasn't monetarily motivated.  Why not?  Catches her up to her peers, or where she thinks her peers are or should be by this age.  Puts her back in the 'responsible adult' category of life making her legitimate again as a 30-something.  These thoughts by the way are being turned around on her.  They are hers.  Thoughts she shared with me on why she felt uncomfortable meeting with old friends of ours because she didn't want to discuss life since she was divorced and living with her parents vs. married and living as an independent adult.  

If the foundation isn't laid, how can you build upon it?  Her dysfunction comes out in relationships.  Without nitpicking, the ultimate result in most relationships - parents, friends, ex-husband - is her unwillingness to dig in and work for it.  If it becomes uncomfortable for her, she won't address it.  Avoidance is her super power.  She wrote me off before her first marriage.  I found out the reason for the break in our friendship after, when she was broaching divorce, because she needed me again.  I may not be the most exciting friend or acquaintance she has, but I'm the most reliable, and most constant.  I am the tortoise.  She is now, along with her new company, the hare.  Flash in the pan, sparkle for a night, one trick pony...hare.  An opportunist at best, her fair weather approach to relationships will leave her sad, lonely and regretful.  I asked her, right before she pulled the plug on us the first time, if 15 years of friendship meant nothing to her.  Her reply was no, it didn't.  Keep that in mind, new husband, and re-kindled company.  Although, this relationship methodology has become a game well played by said company, so that could quickly become a who-beats-who to the punch type game.

In the meantime I will go on, slowly and unexcitedly, with my life which includes my husband of many years, my sweet 2-year-old baby girl, dogs and whatever children are to come.  I'll work my same job, drive my same car, wear my same clothes but one thing has changed.  I am no longer the sanity touchstone.  When friends go off thinking they can do better, befriend better, they'd better be certain.  I am no longer available to them.  Ava changed all that.  If I spend any time and energy on anyone, it'll be on my family.  Friends are second.  Always will be.  Thanks for the chuckle.