This is technically my second pregnancy, and both elicited different reactions from me. With the first, my jaw dropped to the floor and stayed there for about three days. Sadly, that pregnancy ended in miscarriage around 6/7 weeks. To be honest, experiencing a loss
like that is probably the most painful thing I've endured to date. I don't know about
everyone else's teens and twenties, those dating years where your world was made or
broken by the boy you were with. I remember the tears, the broken heart, the feeling
that I'd never meet anyone again. It's ironic to me how pregnancy's journey parallels
that of dating, but multiplied by 100. With my first pregnancy and the miscarriage that
followed, I cried until I couldn't breath anymore. The heart break made any past heart
breaks seem trivial at best, and I wondered if that was my only shot at being a mother.
I told one of the nurse's at my doctor's office one day that I would rather go through
every break-up that I ever experienced all over again than experience a second miscarriage. I realize pain, grief and loss is very personal, and even relative, but this is my feeling and experience. The silver lining is this - just as I found my husband who I never thought existed, I am experiencing the second trimester of my pregnancy and a happiness I didn't know I would be able to feel.
We still have a ways to go of course, another 27 weeks roughly, but the risk of miscarriage has greatly decreased at this point and I am learning to let myself enjoy this, and breath. The only thing I've felt so far is nausea, a painful lower back and the squeeze of my pants as they gradually no longer want to zip or button, but I am so excited to get to feel our baby move around. We discover the sex at the end of October and sooner or later I'm going to need to engage my mind in the fact that we truly only have the next 27 weeks to buy EVERYTHING for this brand new life!
I've posted a picture, and will certainly try and make a better effort at updating this blog as I know it's one of the only ways some of you keep up with me. We hope everyone's well. All our love.
